Maybe he doesn’t work at the bookstore anymore. He goes there to pick up an old check? After the scene at the doggy daycare, she wouldn’t be browsing magazines if she thought he might be there. Also, she should be wearing the shirt from the night where he met her sister. Ties into the blue theme.
More sex. Three new scenes? (They need to go all the way.)
Also, before the car crash, a new scene where he’s talking about the sex with Kenny at a restaurant and the woman from her office overhears. This is where the milk coming out of the nostrils part can go back in.
Cut out the long thing on whales. Steve is probably right – this has been done before.
Too many singing in the shower scenes. Cut six of them.
Dr. Toliver is not his father, but he has to be the prime suspect at the party so that the road trip happens. Need new reason for suspicion. Smokes a pipe? Line dancing? Someone tells him his dad used to have wavy hair?
He has to go to the bank after the Laundromat, otherwise why does he have the coat hanger with him when he bumps into her again?
Move last chapter to somewhere near the beginning of part 2 so the talent show coincides with death of the grandmother. Write new last chapter that sums up living in America these days. A parade? Reality show? Race riot? Maybe he has to fill up a friend’s car with a really big gas tank – super expensive.
Prettier adjectives for the camping chapter.
Something missing from the Mount Rushmore part. Do pumas live around there? Possums? Research.
She doesn’t accuse him of stalking at the dentist. But she does at the Lamaze class. More room for drama there. Could be really touching if it’s handled right.
What if all the dream sequences have him chasing a butterfly that symbolizes his hopes for the future? Maybe work in some stuff on Native American beliefs when he goes to the “haunted” museum. Then it makes more sense.
Tone needs to be Tolstoy crossed with Palahniuk. But the exact same feel as a Johnny Cash song. Rhythm.
Not enough descriptions of people’s clothes. Add more.
They need to have a kick ass band for the wedding. Like a dream band. They can do Salsa, reggae, hip hop, show tunes, 70s rock (no 60s because of the protest theme – too obvious). Irish line dancing too much? The singer is hot, but not hotter than the bride. And the guitar player can do that thing with his teeth. The first dance should be November Rain or the Humpty Dance. Either way, this part needs to be written really, really well so people get how freaking awesome the whole night is.
If his mother doesn’t kick him out of the house in chapter 47 they can just live together there at the end.
Swearing or no swearing? Need to nail this down for the part where he drops the hammer on his foot.
More brand names.
Her cat runs away. And they find it in the park with bite marks all over. Foul play. Professor Fraussenpunch?
Probably too many scenes where they bump into each other (14 if you count the Ferris Wheel?). Cut one or it will seem like he is stalking her.
Start writing tomorrow!
paintedbridequarterly.wordpress.com 